Tuesday, October 19, 2010

What is left in the potential pool is not encouraging...

So some of the dating websites do these free weekends where you can log in without paying the silly monthly fees. I will not lament the uselessness of these sites to me nor field the constant comments of "but I met my husband, or my neighbor met her husband etc etc" encouragements. 

It doesn't work for everyone. Nuff said. But I do like to look. And I like to collect the most inane profile nuggets and share them so those of you who were married long before the invention of these sites leave me alone ("..but whyyyyyyy don't you just tryyyyyyy?..."...."um, how often to do you like to be interviewed on where you are from, what you do, what your hobbies are and even asked your weight and your clothing size by total  strangers? I talk to strangers all day for work and I get paid a percentage for it, I don't really feel like doing it for free at night..."

ANYWAY, here was todays gem on a guy's profile:

"What I’m doing with my life
constantly improning in every way"

Um, maybe its time to get to the spelling phase of improvement...

Free weekend over. O well. 

Thursday, October 7, 2010

Powerful Women Marry Well or Talk about Sex

I interrupt what was supposed to be another Italy post to bring you the list of Forbes list of POWER WOMEN 2010.

I am no burn my bra feminist but this list is insulting! 

I think Michelle Obama is a fantastically successful woman in her own right.  But to call her the #1 most powerful woman in the world because she married well sends kind of a wrong message to little girls.

"Study real hard, Princess, and maybe, just maybe you can marry a President!"

Cmon! I would think the German HEAD OF STATE should be a little higher. Even Hillary who is the Secretary of State and negotiates with world leaders should get a little more respect than to be two higher than Lady Friggin GAGA. 

And Chelsea Handler is on the this list #33? What does the MALE list look like? I bet there isn't a guy who writes about his one night stands on that list...

Madonna #29? WHY? Maybe in 1986? Also a great message for the little Susies and Jennies "Sex makes you powerful, little ones, heave up your skirts!"

ALL of the female heads of state  - Presidents and Prime Ministers - except for the German Chancellor were ranked lower than Chelsea Handler, Beyonce and Sarah Jessica Parker.   And all these female Presidents and Prime Ministers were ranked lower than 3 First Ladies - including Maria Shriver, not even from a country but from the state of California. Sigh. 

Hmm, maybe thats why in this country, home of Forbes, we haven't had a female President yet. Guess the people of Iceland, Liberia, Argentina, Ireland, Finland, Australia and Costa Rica are all a few steps ahead of us on that one...

Tirade over. I've got to go find me a husband or write a book about sex. Or maybe I do need to start burning my bras...


Wednesday, September 29, 2010

Italian Journal Post #1

I actually used a pen and paper (gasp) to document my Italian Trip earlier this month. Sporadic posts will occur when I have time to read my chicken scratch and type them in when I am good and ready... Here is entry #1:

September 4th - Florence

I fed my Duomo Obsession and had to squeeze in a day in Florence even though it didn't fit in with my trip at all. So after gazing at the Brunelleschi's engineering marvel which never ceases to amaze and trying to imagine how the heck they built that thing in the 1300s, I numbed my overworked brain with some gelato and headed to dinner. 

Well, first I headed to Il Due Fratelli "wine bar" to chase down my gelato with a pre-dinner glass of wine and cured meat of some sort sandwich. This little wine shop is teeny so you order your wine and drink it out in the street. 

For dinner I suffered a physical test that rivaled boot camp - a meal at I Latini. I was skeptical because it was so heavily tourist-ed (giant casks of Chianti on the table and all) but the communal tables appealed to me more than dining alone. I did not realize that I was signing up for a Food Olympics (which I obviously medaled in).

There is no menu - waiters come by and sort of consult you but really they just bring out whatever they feel like serving you. I joined a table with an Austrian businessman and a couple from Ohio who may have thought Italian cuisine was best represented by the Olive Garden before their first trip to Italy. So Arnold and I did our best to order for them and educate them. Meaning that I ordered their food and he kept ordering us different kinds of booze. 

First, the antipasto course. I asked for a small sampling of meats and cheeses. I received 5 plates of food - crostini, finocchiona (fennel salami found only Tuscany), a cheese plate with at least 2 pounds of cheese on it, a plate of prosciutto and a farro salad (tho I like Farro, a really yummy grain, I decided I didn't want to waste stomach space in this one):

I made it thru most of the paper thin prosciutto and cheese before I gave up. Note: I was also shooting little teeny glasses of Chianti from a cask in the middle of the table. 

I moved onto the soup course and couldn't decide between two traditional soups I wanted to try:
Pappa al Pomodoro (Bread and Tomato Soup)
Ribollita (literally "re-boiled" and made form day old bread, kale, beans) 
This is Italian peasant cooking at its best - using old bread to make some tasty and filling food. Mmmmm...

Ultimately, the waiter decided for me - one of each!

The initially somewhat shy couple from OH opened up after a few bottles of chianti, an asti, a limoncello, a Vin Santo (with Cantucci "biscotti" for dipping of course), and a grappa followed by an espresso.  I am still not sure if they ever actually made it to their hotel or are still passed out near the Medici Chapel somewhere...

I regret that I did not order the Bistecca Fiorentina which this place and the entire region of Tuscany is known for. This is basically a giant steak cut thick and served rare. Though we did notice that the American diners got theirs cooked a little more well done than the Italians (still mooing). 

Anyhow, if you find yourself in Florence, it is pretty hard to steer away from touristy places so you might as well get the fun atmosphere of I Latini. 

Wednesday, September 1, 2010

I suspect this kid was put in time out instead of spanked...

Dear Petulant Teenager in the Club Level Breakfast room at the Sheraton - You are a spoiled brat. This is a business traveler hotel and its a Wednesday morning. Stop screaming at your parents in public. They took you on a vacation (granted it was to Philly), so be nice. I was tempted to give you the spankings you obviously missed out on as a child, but you were taller than me.

"Daaaaaaaaaaaa-adddd MY TOAST ISN'T DONE YET!"


Saturday, August 28, 2010

I'm Disturbed and there is little humor in this post...

Rant #1 
Today was the Glenn Beck march in DC which he claimed was a nonpolitical event yet then invited the most political person out there to speak (Sarah Palin). Al Sharpton did a counter march because today was the anniversary of the I Have  Dream Speech and saw the Beck rally as an affront. And because he is Al Sharpton he cannot stay away from anything he can construe as racist (WHAT? Did you call it dark out tonight? You are rascist!)

Having been in DC for more than a decade I get caught up in these things. But then I realize and hope that most of America went on with their lives today and the real outcome of both marches today will be: nothing. Because the solutions to our problems do not lie in the extremes. 

Yet I feel the need to write...

It's time to put the race card and the religion card away. Government isn't supposed to have either one in it. Someone needs to play the jobs card, the border securing card, the infrastructure card and the education card. 

Fundamentally I believe in the Tea Party Movement - Reduce the scope of the Federal government so it stops meddling in the free market to redistribute wealth, give power back to the states and be fiscally responsible (Fun Fact: China and Japan own 44% of our debt). I am not sure how these beliefs got construed as racist. That all being said, I do not side with what the movement has become - re: Glenn Beck and the religious right hijacking it with social issues). But it bothers me to NO END when seemingly intelligent people debase their intelligence and use the word TeaBagger when describing anyone who might agree with the fundamental ideas. 

Rant #2
This week I saw a posting on John Dennis' (he is running against Pelosi) Facebook age about Nancy Pelosi. I admit I have not done my due diligence on this guy because at this point I would vote for Lucifer himself in that election because I fundamentally disagree with everything that woman stands for and all of her actions since the Democrats took control of Congress. But Mr Dennis decided to call her the Wicked Witch of the West and superimpose her face on the Wizard of Oz Character. I actually felt compelled to post a comment that maybe he should try a little decorum and be serious since we have some big and serious problems in this country right now. The other 60 commentators thought he was funny and cheered him on. Sigh. 

Almost One out of every 10 Americans don't have a job yet our politicians are trying to outsnark each other. 

Rant #3
I am still disappointed in O and I will never get over it. 5 rounds of golf on vacation - Really? 9.6% unemployment? Foreclosures rising? I don't care how many more vacation days Bush took - YOU were supposed to be different. 

If I were the President and Congress (which I would never be because I have a soul that isn't for sale and a brain that works): I would have not taken a recess. I would have called an emergency session to hold hearings and get idea on how to fix this economy. NOW. I would have listened to EVERYONE - CEOs and Unions, Blue collar and white collar, religious and non religious, gay, straight, white,  black, red, purple polkadotted. And taken the best ideas and voted on them. 

Maybe even come up with a long lasting plan that doesn't revolve around HANDOUTS of 99 months of unemployment checks and tax credits for housing that artificially prop up the economy. That is just prolonging the pain.The housing market fell apart when the credits ended. No one wants to be employed when the checks come for doing nothing so we will have to keep borrowing (from China) to pay for these checks.   

Yea right...Then I woke up from my dream of a perfect world and watched Glenn Beck invoke God and watched Al Sharpton pretend that he is the rightful owner of MLK's legacy ... 

The DL
Here is what is really happening: We have an election coming up so the Republicans are going to block everything to not give the Democrats any wins before the election. The Democrats are going to continue to feed proposals that have no chance of passing but sound nice because they are handouts and entitlements.  As obstructionist as the GOP has been the left has been as unimaginative in trying to find any idea or plan that doesn't involved giving away stuff we don't have the money to pay for (uh, Hey China, can you spot me again?).  

In sum, we are screwed. 

Saturday, August 7, 2010

Lost in Translation

As Ive been researching my upcoming trip to Italy, I have been using the Google Chrome feature which translates web pages into English. This is a literal translation done by a computer so the translations are usually awkward. 

Example from a little wine shop where you bring in the food you buy at the nearby market to have with some wine: 

Italian -  L'Osteria del Sole è un viaggio nel tempo intorno a un bicchiere di vino, dove si può portare la pietanza e mangiare sul tavolone mentre si parla del mondo.

Computer Translation - L'Osteria del Sole is a trip back in time around a glass of wine, where you can bring in your own food and eat the plank while speaking world.

Er? Eat plank? I read the Italian and the better translation would have been along the lines of:

L'Osteria del Sole is a trip back in time with a glass of wine, where you can bring in food and eat at the communal tables while chatting about the world (or discussing current events, or shooting the breeze etc...you get the point)

Since the auto-translation is so poor, many web pages have the little British or American flag directly on them to cater to tourists. I click on this if it is available and assumed (incorrectly)  that since it was part of the website that maybe they actually translated the content correctly as opposed to the very literal computer programmed stuff I was seeing with Google. 


Sooo, I was enjoying myself tonight researching where I will feed my face in Florence which is a crucial decision cause I only have one night...and found this well-reviewed restaurant that looked great. The directions were as follows and I learned a new Italian word today:

The Trattoria Quattro Leoni (4 Lions) was founded in 1550: located in Piazza della Passera (passera is the Florentine locution for pussy), a part of the old Florence that you can't find on the maps.

It goes onto to explain that there used to be a brothel located in the square, which I suppose makes sense...

Friday, July 30, 2010

This guy represents America

I love the guy in the background of this picture. 

That's how I feel every time I read the news. 

If only he had stood up Three Stooges Style and bonked their 3 heads together and said "Stop acting like like 3 little kids fighting over one toy and meet halfway you overpaid, botoxed, spray tanned, empty suited morons."

Overpaid applies to all 3. I mean if Congress is going industry by industry saying people make too much I don't understand why they get to make an all expenses paid $200k a year and the President gets to make $400k a year plus room and board and one hell of an expense account. Personally I don't agree with any of the Washington meddling in private pay but well we are at it, how about we look at Congress? 

Boehner is so orange that he is probably the entire source of the government's tax revenue from the new tax on tanning and Pelosi can't even blink she has had so much botox. Empty suit applies to, well, you know who. 

For the record this was from a meeting about tax cuts. As always Obama is keeping up with his class warfare and wants the "tax cuts for the rich" to expire. What he keeps ignoring is that most small businesses pay taxes under this provision, meaning your local deli, 1 person law offices, hair salon down the street etc...and THEY will have to pay higher taxes if it expires too. In a recession raising taxes on small business doesn't seem to make much sense. Apparently Obama didn't take accounting 101 classes at Harvard. But since all politicians, even President Fuzzy Puppies and Rainbows, are all self serving idiots, they cant find a middle ground like maybe changing the code to tax only individuals instead of business. No, that would make FAR TOO MUCH SENSE AND BE TOO EASY. 

I'm not disappointed in Obama because I don't agree with him. Fundamentally I never will. I'm disappointed in him because he was supposed to make Washington better. And part of that is compromise and he has shown zero inclination to back down. The President likes to put all the blame on the Republicans, and its aggravating that so many people buy this from him - they are supposed to disagree - Democrats did it too when they were the minority party. But when the disagreements are so fundamental its the President's job to rise above and be the leader and force them to find compromise to make some progress. He ultimately signs or vetos the bills so he can use Presidential clout to push for something that at least gets something done, if not everything he wants. And he hasn't done that. As far as I am concerned he hasn't stopped campaigning and prefers to get his progressive way by grandstanding in front of the media every time instead of actually being a strong leader. 

By the way, he also broke another campaign promise:

I think my I TOLD YOU SO moment is here...

Ok, this was an infrequent political rant post. I'm allowed. 

Tuesday, July 13, 2010



Defined as....

that feeling that comes over you when you think you lost your iPod or related iProduct and you scramble around like a breathless crazy person until you realize it just fell under the car seat

Wednesday, July 7, 2010

I vote for the Storm Trooper on the Toilet

I have lamented a few times about the joys of being single and in my 30's and working from home and living in a new city where I know 3 people. I keep swearing off any sort of online dating as I would rather spend the $20-$60 bucks a month on taking myself out to dinner. Alone. Rather than go out with the anyone left in the pool at this point. 

But after spending a weekend in Bethany Beach where in the last decade it somehow it went from me drinking with my friends up the road in Dewey Beach to me watching a stream of people my age walk by with husband and kids in tow AND being questioned by all my friend's parents about what I am doing to remedy my "situation", I reluctantly clicked a banner ad to sign up for a free dating site today.  Every new site tries to say they have the BEST matching system to find Mr. Compatible - if you just tell them a little about what you want and go through their stupid questions they will send you the PERFECT match. This site has a system where you go through sets of pictures ands clicked on the one of the guy you'd prefer to date.

This was my ACTUAL choice:

Sorry, MulletMan, I vote for the other guy. 

I give up. Where do I buy my 15 cats?

Tuesday, June 29, 2010

Modern Technology

I'm pretty reliant on a GPS when I travel for work. Going from club to club or office to office these last few years, I can't imagine actually having to look at a map and write down directions...

Anyway, I was in Dallas for only the 2nd time in 6 years last week. I;m not really familiar with the city. I was staying at a Sheraton in some part of town I do not recall or even know because the GPS got me there. 

I do actually use Mapquest to figure out how far away my meetings are from each other so I know when to get on the road. Mapquest told me my 10am meeting was only about 2 miles away from the Sheraton. 

I allowed about 15 minutes before the meeting to go the said 2 miles. I went to the car (a Chevy HHR, a glorified station wagon, so cool) and typed  the address into the GPS. Hmm, I thought, that looks oddly familiar. 

I saw I had 1.8 miles to go. I started on the one way road, and made a whole bunch of right turns down one way streets. I kinda felt like I was going in a big circle...which I was. Cause I ended up in the building right next door to the Sheraton 10 minutes later thanks to lights and stop signs and one way traffic patterns. 

Thanks, GPS and Mapquest 

Friday, June 25, 2010


In this blog a few weeks ago, I made a terribly inflammatory comment. No, it wasn't a big I TOLD YOU SO about Obama (I've been restrained...but even I am ready to buy a Hillary 2012 bumper sticker right now)...But I digress...

Prior to the start of the World Cup, I made a comment that I'd pick Italy to win over the USA if it came down to a head to head because not as many Americans care about soccer and a win would matter more to Italy. Boy, was I wrong - see "World's Reaction to Donavon's Goal" here.  And I did realize my mistake before Italy was bounced home in the first round after some lazy and soulless play. 

In my defense, I've been invested longer than most new soccer fans. I've suffered at the hands of our national team for decades. So if I lost faith it is cause I have shared in the ups and more of the downs. But I will never stray again. 

For the uninitiated, this is the World Cup FINALS. Which means this month of games is actually the culmination of a 3 YEAR worldwide tournament of 204 countries. The UN has 192 countries. The USA is one of the remaining 16 out of 204.  Dear World, We have arrived. Take us seriously now. 

Even if they go home tomorrow, they've done a great job for the credibility of the sport in the USA and finally giving US soccer respect on the world stage. We aren't a joke anymore. Our players play in the English Premier League, we won our group, WON OUR GROUP, at the World Cup. 

And while our new generation of soccer fans don't really get the game (what, no instant replay?) - we are, for now, a soccer nation. We may never reach the fervor that every other country in the world has for soccer (For example, Italy has 4 national newspapers devoted solely to soccer) but we will support our national team every 4 years.  

And just a quick primer for the newly initiated - soccer doesn't have rules. It has laws. And referees are like Supreme Court justices and can interpret the laws differently which is why we have one guy with a whistle and some other assistants who can offer opinions but still be overruled by the guy with whistle. Now  this doesn't excuse our Malian friend who blew the call but it should be noted that the sport cannot sustain instant replay or the matches would go on for 4 days. 

I refereed my share of games. Its the worst and most stressful job. Basically beyond enforcing the technical laws about yardages for free kicks etc a soccer ref job can be summed up by the following: 

1. Make sure the player isn't prevented from having a fair play on the ball
2. Make sure players don't kill or wound each other

The ref also has the responsibility to call  "Advantage" -  which means that even if a player gets clobbered, as long as his team keeps advantage the ref will not stop the game until the play is over. Though he can go back and punish the offending player after the next whistle. The point is to not let dirty play affect a teams progress. Unless you are Slovenia apparently, when you can hump and hug the opposing team at will without even asking for their number first. 

Finally, there is the offside call which is best explained in this scene from Bend it Like Beckham
"The offside rule is when the French mustard has to be between the teriyaki sauce and the sea salt..." 
but since I can't find the clip online to post, this video is a great explanation:

In sum, go get 'em tomorrow boys. USA USA USA!

Thursday, June 17, 2010

A Proper Lunch

Dear Blog, Sorry I have neglected you this month. It's not for lack of ridiculousness....

I am home this week in Syracuse. Staying with the parents. I should have plenty of material. 

This morning's conversation with mom:

Me: I'm going to my sister's house to work. But I'll be home for lunch. What time?

Pina: I'm making cutlets and salad"

Me: Ok, what time?

Pina: Some cutlets and a salad

Me: Ok, but what time should I come home?

Pina: What time are you coming home?

I will go home at 12:30 and am sure to find some cutlets and a salad...AND a lasagna, some meatballs, fried zucchini flowers, and a spread of cheeses, breads and olives. Along with a few belts of homemade vino.  

Sometimes I wonder why I moved away... 

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

Adventures at the DMV

I just finally went to get my license in NC. You have to take a written test. If you get 6 wrong you fail. 

I dont want to talk about it except that the trip ended with me telling at some civil servant all dressed up like a little soldier in a "DMV Examiner" Uniform:

"I have an MBA....seriously?"

Uniformed lady laughed at me. I think the guy who didn't speak English next to me passed. 

Most of the questions are common sense but they throw in a  few doozies just to confuse you. 

What Percentage of highway deaths are cause by alcohol?


I didn't know if it was 67% or 38% (its 38% by the way, seemed low to me). What does that have to do with getting a license? We all know its wrong and dangerous to drink and drive - does knowing the percentage make any difference? 

"I want a another beer but I'm driving. Hmmm, only 38% of deaths are caused by alcohol...well, those are good odds, gimme a Bud"

So here I am reading the manual...I have learned:
  • You should not attempt to shave while driving... 
  • "Exemptions to the seat belt law: A driver or occupant with a professionally certified mental phobia against the wearing of vehicle restraints"
  • There is actually a statute for this down here: "Law on Transporting Children in the Back of a Pick-up Truck". You 'd think it'd be illegal...NOPE:
    • "The statute does, however, contain some exemptions. The provisions for proper securement of children do not apply: If an adult is present in the bed or cargo area of the vehicle and is supervising the child..."
  • When trying to pass a vehicle the manual advises you to BLOW THE HORN. What? 
    • "Blow the horn to signal the driver ahead. The horn signal places the driver of the vehicle you are passing under a legal obligation to help you pass."
    • I never knew this....I thought blowing the horn gave the driver a legal obligation to show you their middle finger...? 

Sunday, May 9, 2010

Happy Mother's Day

Last year I wrote a Father's Day blog to dad and now its time to recognize Mom, Giuseppa (yes, they have matching names, Dad is Giuseppe) who had to suffer through more of my day to day teen-aged petulance.

I liken my mom to a mother bear who would tear apart anyone who even looked the wrong way at her cubs. 100% self sacrificing and generous, always putting us kids first. Until she couldn't work anymore due to carpal tunnel mom worked nights in a pocket book factory.  She was terrified of that nighttime drive she did it for years for us kids.

Mom calls me every Sunday and we generally repeat this conversation:
"Alo Melina, whadda u do?"
     "Not much, Mom"
"Did you make yourself somethig to eat?" (all important info she needed to know each week)
     "Yes, Mom, Im all set on the food front, what are you doing?" 
"Na thinga, watcha TV"

My friends growing up still tell stories about calling my house. Here is a listing of typical phone responses to my friends calling when I wasnt home:

"Carmella no home, she kicka da ball"  Translation - I am at soccer practice
"Carmella on de ice" - I am skiing
"Carmella in da bed"- I am sleeping

I had 2 friends named Amy/Aimee. One tall, one short. Here is what would happen when they called:
"Hi Mrs Alvaro is Carmella home, this is Amy"
"Carmella no home. Who dis? bigga amy or little aimee?" (trying to distinguish between the taller of two)

My teenage self used to battle mom cause she wouldn't let me do A-N-Y-T-H-I-N-G (insert teenage eye rolling here) - no sleepovers, no hanging out with people she didn't know, no sports, etc...I used to think they were boring and not adventurous back then.

Message to my 16 year old self - "Hey Dummy, think back to 1970 - Mom leaves everything she knows, drags two little kids and stuffs all of her belongings into a couple of suitcases and takes a boat across an ocean to place she doesn't speak the language, away from a village of 2,000 to what was then a booming and growing city of 220,000* at the ripe old age of 26 for a better life for her kids ("baby ooops", aka me, arrives 6 years later). You thought you were adventurous at 28 cause you made it to CO on your own until you realized you didn't like being so far away from home that even though you didn't move back home you moved to within a 6 hour car ride as your security blanket...Mom was pretty cool, you ingrate."

Here is a fuzzy pix of mom at 31 years old, with my brother and sister and me, the screaming little ingrate...I guess back in 1976 they made chintzy little medals out of family pictures....

Happy Mother's Day, Mom.

*Syracuse was booming in 1970 - that was the highest population in it's history. Sadly, in 2007 Syracuse was #23 of the top 25 cities in terms of population lost. The manufacturing jobs are gone. Syracuse was a booming factory town in 1970 - GE,  GM, Chrysler, Carrier, Syracuse China - just some off the top of my head that have closed up. 

Saturday, May 8, 2010

A post with no real point

I turned 34 about 10 days ago. Whoop.  

Like me, my blog isn't sure what it wants to be when it grows up. I've ditched the political commentary for now though reserve the right for an occasional tirade, plus a lot doesn't really happen to me these days - my commute is 25 feet, and sometimes I just want to post all the fun things I cook but don't want to be just another cooking blog.

While me and my blog figure out our future, here are some wise thoughts that crossed through my brain on my birthday week:

Why do I still get zits on my forehead? I am 34, have negotiated deals with executives at Fortune 500 companies, and have a mortgage. I should not also still have teen-aged acne issues in the form of the big dipper on my forehead. 

Dear God, I don't ask for much. Well, I have been asking for a boyfriend without issues for the last decade or so but since that has fallen on deaf ears, please strike dead the songbird that chirps at jet plane decibel from the branch right outside my window every morning from 6am to 7am. Or let it mate already so it shuts up, please.

Does this office chair have an eject button?

I hope my ovaries aren't shriveling like raisins in the sun at this point

Instead of reading comedy sites or blogs for amusement I like to scan Craigslist personals because THAT is where the real humor on the web is. Like this guy:
"Looking for lady with huge breast - 33"
This guy doesnt ask for much. He justs wants one breast is all, as long as its huge of course...

That is all the sage words I have right now after 34 years. 

Friday, April 30, 2010

Birthday Greeting Rankings

My ranking of long distance birthday greetings:
  • Facebook friend request from random acquaintance you wouldn't have recognized if they sat next to you on a plane but found you again thru Facebook cause you went to school together: Acceptable
  • Facebook Greeting from a close friend: Questionable, consider Christmas card list removal
  • Text Message: Double points
  • E-Card: That is SO 2003, but triple points
  • Phone call: Consider giving kidney to these people if needed
  • Text Message from friend of 26 years who sends it as a joke now because I called and complained about my birthday text last time she sent one pointing out I knew her in 3rd grade and deserved a phone call: priceless, also gets kidney, maybe even liver if needed
  • Birthday Card in mail: Thanks mom and dad. Does anyone else still do that?
  • Flowers: HUGE. I got a pretty yellow bouquet. From a boy? Nope. From my client.  
Oh, I'm not individually judging anyone either. I'm the worst birthday rememberer there is...

Wednesday, April 28, 2010

Old Age

A pre-birthday story....

I was at my gym last week. It has this fancy little kiosk you sit in and it takes your blood pressure, weight, body fat etc each time you workout. Then it uploads it to a website. I like it sit in it every time I go cause it tracks my workouts (not to obsessively weigh myself) and the little bar graph is ever so slowly ticking down on all measures (slowly though). 

I was sitting in it when this group of high school kids was being given a tour at the gym. It looked like some kind of youth wellness program. The teacher taking them around pointed at the machine, looked right at me and said:

"That's a blood pressure machine for when you are old...."

Lucky for her my arm was sucked into the blood pressure cuff and I was trapped or I may have thrown a dumbbell at her head. 

Happy non-milestone, meaningless, 34th birthday to me. 

Friday, April 16, 2010

Adventures in "Social" Media

I was really bored last Saturday. I refuse to do any sort of online dating right now but I really wanted to just go and get some dinner and not by myself (2 of the 3 people I know here were out of town). So I posted a short thing on Craig's List and hoped I wouldn't end up with a serial killer.

When you post something that little confirmation box pops up where you type in the words they give you to be able to publish the  posting. 

One of my words was "Needy"

I hate you Craig. 

Sunday, April 11, 2010

I Hit a Golf Ball

I love golf. I haven't been able to play since November when, after averaging two round a week, I ended up with a tendinitis or "tennis elbow". I stopped playing soccer because I was getting fat, old and out of shape and feared the inevitable ACL tear so I hurt myself playing golf instead.

This is one of those weird chronic injuries that there is no quick fix for. I tried everything. I had a cortisone shot and then went out three days later and shot 49 on the back 9. My best score ever - steroids good. 

Physical therapy finally leveled off in terms of making it any better so I tried this treatment where they inject platlets into the tendon (PRP). Tiger Woods had the same treatment - and as someone pointed out he had some, er side effects...Anyway how its work is - they take out a bunch of my own blood, spin it around to isolate the platelets and inject those back into the tendon to try to get the tendon to fix itself. I figured a "shot" wouldn’t be the most painful procedure I have ever had done. Before they inject the PRP, Dr Ho had to "pepper" the tendon which basically meant poking 40 little holes in it. I was numb at the time so besides a little incident where I screamed like little girl when the needle hit the tendon the first time and I felt it I didn’t feel my 40 pokings. I even thought it was kinda of silly to go pick up Percocet and this numbing tape for it cause it was just a shot. 

Two hours later when I was driving back the numbing agent wore off and I had to pull over and gnaw the top off the Percocet bottle. Who give s a one-handed patient a child proof bottle top? I also mummified myself in numbing tape. Then went home and moaned softly for the next 12 hours. I have never been on Percocet before but I don’t do well with painkillers. Generally even codeine makes me see dead people. All I know is I did a sales call the next morning and I don’t remember a word of it. Somehow I didn’t get that deal.

It was a painful 48 hours but I had to go to RI for a sales meeting. The trip included a crazy shuttle ride to the airport where I screamed out in pain every time the insane driver slammed on the breaks in beltway traffic and sent my elbow into the seat in front of me. I got tagged "disabled” at the airport, my flight was 3 hours delayed, I had the aisle seat and the flight attendant thought my bandage was a bullseye and bashed my arm everytime wheeled the cart by me. The next day I missed my flight home . They also lost my luggage (my numbing mummy strips were in there!). It was not a fun. But I did get that deal…

4 weeks later I feel about 90%. My team of physical therapist, personal trainer and sports doctor seems to have worked. I even had a massage therapist try to work on it. Too bad I used up my entire annual golf budget already on treatment…

But yesterday was the day I was allowed to try to hit a ball again. I had a really odd grip which is why I hurt my elbow (but I used to hit it so far and straight with that grip!). So I had to figure out to hold the club differently. I walked up to the ball with my new grip, lined up, swung back and...

...that beautiful little white dimpled orb flew straight about 140 yards. I celebrated like I had just won the Masters…The guy next to me looked at me funny.

So I'm back. I plan on trying to play a par 3 round in two weeks after another visit or two to the range.

Though first, I need to buy new golf clothes. The man at the counter looked up quickly after a line of guys in front of me went thru and said “How can I help you, Sir?". Hmmm, time to ditch the lesbian chic golf outfit and visor and buy something a little cuter for the course...